The Soft Kink World of Sexual Play

Soft Kink: Sexual and sensual expansiveness follows a nonlinear trajectory. Couples regardless of gender, who choose to expand their sexuality into more spicy exploration, have options to explore. Here are some more common choices within the soft kink world:

• Pleasure Domination/Submissive Play: Pleasure Dom/Sub leans more deeply into soft kink arenas, while asking for more preparation, discussion and rapport building, through clear, honest communication. In essence the focus in an attuned Dom reads the pleasures of the Sub with a major focus on pleasure with mild exploration of restraint, blindfolds, pleasure/pain, while both partners play these roles with clear understanding based on co-created scenes before acting them out in the bedroom. More on Dom/Sub below. You can mix and match possibilities from the following examples.
• Planning to meet your partner Out: at a restaurant or social function while maintaining a role of meeting as strangers, and exploring flirtatious and increasingly bold energetics. Playing these roles as strangers, back into the home with finger food awaiting, while both lean into bedroom play. 
• Role Playing: As you get to know each other better, when out together, inquire if you see someone you feel your partner might be attracted to and vise versa. Typically the dom (not always) can take on aspects of who their partner found attractive. Mixed with an attuned fantasy ability, the receiving partner can vicariously experience the invitation by the Dom to allow the Sub to fantasize sensual/sexual play with the individual. When done correctly, the sub will feel themselves dropping into the experience while creating an outcome primarily orchestrated by the Dom. The Sub in turn is allowed to experience the fantasy flow state where they inhabit to a high degree, imagined intimate exchanges with the fantasy individual. This adds not only spice to relationships, it also allows for soft and hard crushes to be safely played out within fantasy play. When done in a secure relational container, this can strengthen and deepen relational connection rather than suppress attraction. This activity, typically becomes more automatic and fun discussed and carried out. Clearly as you become more proficent in knowing your partner's desires and types they have crushes on, the Dom becomes good actor, painting the scene fro start to finish, while reading the Sub's arousal levels and following the levels so that increased arousal and ecstasy lead to a Sub's desired outcome.  
• Fantasy possibilities: Check-ins outside of the bedroom are essential within the kink arenas. When all parties are excited to explore new options, there is more fun and less resistance when discussing fantasy possibilities. Typically one partner may be better equipped to create scenes. Remember carrying out fantasies within lovemaking are just that. These fantasies dissolve once the playtime has concluded. The brain/ego typically feels that the adventure into such fantasy places will carry over into acting on those fantasies in real life. These soft and hard crush desires become more potent when exploring them as fantasies. A mutually maintained container of trust and clear boundaries and communication is essential to assure all participants that fantasies remain in the soft kink container.. Seek out a professional trained in helping you fulfill these desires to provide healthy guardrails as you explore deeper within the soft kink possibilities. 
• Check ins: All parties are responsible for meeting on a regular basis, with participants setting the agreed upon schedules. Ghosting, and creating gray areas of communication, create leaky energies from the container when not overtly addressed. Clearly Soft Kink requires a high degree of individual and collective integrity, combined with deep respect for one another's emotional safety. 
• Creating scenes together: Some like a shared journal, where participants can write down ideas, especially in the beginning when embarrassment or shyness might inhibit deeper expression. Also when participants are traveling, check ins through texts and shared journaling ideas can keep the fire lit over distance. Each party needs to agree upon their level of commitment to these exchanges so that everyone understands, or when adjustments are warranted, followed by clear communication. Otherwise trust issues can seep in and break the unified connection. For some, a more casual approach works, as long as everyone has a full voice on the morphing and shifting landscapes that occur in life. As couple's and play partners explore more soft kink together, scene creation can appear in the moment, especially by those more aligned with the Dom roles. Subs can also on the fly, suggest or say for example, "Hi thanks for coming over, or I saw you out at the vegetable stand and thank you picking up on my desire to have you run your fingers up the back of my skirt. Wow here we are. How exciting!" The more you experiment and allow your creative gifts to flow, a variety of fantasies will appear automatically. Because we are human, it's vital for all participants to take stock in how each party is feeling or showing up. Soft kink requires an ability to have less attachment to the outcome, and more willingness to drop into an ecstatic sensual/sexual state that defies logic. Participants will gain more by being more centered within their bodies. Less analysis and more somatic exchanges create deeper, more fulfilling experiences. 
• Music: Along with co-created journaling and shared building of new scenes, all parties can build and edit playlists together. Spotify has excellent sensual mixes that can be modified easily over the weeks and months of experimentation. Having speakers within your play area adds dimension. 
• Toys: Start small, buy a kit of toys. you'll find what all parties enjoy. Be creative with your experimentation. Blindfolded Subs experience heightened arousal and sensations when other senses are utilized. Be creative when withholding as the Dom. There is a unique neurological shift that occurs within the CNS when various senses are heightened, combined with a shift in experiencing pain that turns into increased arousal sensations. Your touch, use of toys, ice, frozen grapes, the use of oils for massage and adequate lubrication during longer excursions., combined with creative attunement will spark a deeper flow state, again defying the intellect.  Many like organic coconut oil combined with essential oils of your choice for added olfactory sensations. Mirrors and adjustable lighting in your sensual space bring another layer of intrigue. 
• Filming: There are professional photographers and videographers for hire to create elegant pieces for your enjoyment. If there's amateur participants in the group, discuss what scenes you want created, while respecting all boundaries and distribution rights. Remember sex is art!
• Healing Containers: Creative sexuality and healing of trauma when guided by professionals can be some of the most powerful forms of healing. Safe touch, cuddling, clothes on or off when planned out so as to not overwhelm those requesting reception, allows the recipient or Sub to lean into the available somatic release. Sex is after all shared energy. Pacing and leading one another is the basis of pleasure centered Dom/Sub experiences.  The same is true within the soft kink arenas where a trusted initiator or Dom attunes themselves to reading the recipient's requests and energetics. Some people within the soft kink community rush this process of vetting Doms. Trust your intuition on who you choose. Innocent mistakes occur, do not expect perfection right outside the box. Soft kink play is a collaboration and trust builds over time as rapport grows. Remember to have fun and experiment, while being honest in check-ins as to what worked, what fell flat etc. 
• Therapeutic pieces: Throughout Soft Kink and Specifically the Dom/Sub play (laid out below), Please Consider: shared ecstasy and the joining both as giver and receiver allows for a softening in experiential healing. Connection can arrive and be received when we are in innocent and curious and fun spaces rather than being overly diligent. Another's body and presence we allow ourselves to  enjoy, nourishes on multiple levels. Allow yourselves to be cared for, breathe together perhaps more deeply than imagined. Within this healing and nourishing co-created container also provides us the opportunity to allow for triggered, scared, traumatized parts that learned to be overly diligent or too permeable. Perhaps boundaries were not allowed or demonstrated as a child. Perhaps thought forms of ego-driven control are running either subconsciously or consciously.Are you thinking you must sacrifice yourself at the expense of others. There are numerous elements regarding the human condition that allows for healing our incomplete or shadow parts. That's a major element in this earth school curriculum that allows for healing and integrating our various disenfranchised parts. Spirit also gave us as human the beautiful gift of sexuality within our DNA. Riding this creative wave of shared sexuality provides a very powerfully healing and ecstatically laced landscape to embrace, experience. Create, journey through these refined, feral, fun places together! After all, what's waiting is an opportunity to experience the Divine in whatever form you relate to within the win-win paradigms. Both Dom/Sub have equal authority in this sexual/sensual saturated dance. The Dom holds space through attunement to their Sub(s). The Sub has equal if not more power to drop into ecstatic and healing opportunities by embracing growth, deeply grounded pleasure and claiming their gardens as sovereign. They invite those in through clean, clear boundaries. The Sub allows in those who they have invited to show up and mutually drop in! Note: there can be messiness, mistakes made. Cleaning and clearing these up together through the aftercare phase, helps in creating forward momentum, while building better rapport that deepens intimacy across the board if we allow. Seek out a professional to assist when necessary. Therapists that are well-versed in sexuality and integrative parts work such as Internal Family Systems and Somatic work, is a great place to start for foundational, intermediate, advanced exploration and container repair assistance. 
• Compersion: This is occurs when we experience happiness and joy for our partner(s). When we witness or allow them to explore within an Ethical Non-monogamy setting with or without our presence, we have the opportunity to experience vicariously their joy, fulfillment and if witnessed, observing how beautiful and arousing it can be to witness a partner's shared pleasure. This can include inviting in a third person into the couple's sexual activity, not at the expense of the observer or one providing the partner this gift. Your partner's freedom and pleasure do not automatically diminish your fulfillment, The observer has the opportunity to experience compersion, while typically enhancing the level of the couple's intimacy. This activity requires honest communication and planning going in, while choosing and all parties agreeing on the "other"  joining in your play container. This should not be used to heal ruptured or damaged communication or as a way to save a relationship or used as an act of vengeance. ​
• Tantra: This fits beautifully within the compersion categories where we explore a broader sense of presence or the non-grasping attachment to the orgasmic experiences. Typically more focus is placed on slower exploration of another through touch, smell, presence while reading a partner's subtle sensual and arousal patterns. This activity can be useful for those feeling more performance anxiety. The brain/ego can calm its attachment to outcome, while allowing the somatic or body-centered systems to express themselves. Tantra requires a higher degree of mental discipline and focus to relax and enjoy the experience, while the body's rhythms speak louder. Remember one does not have to only drop into full tantra. Feel free to explore tantra a bit, then perhaps move into another soft kink scene. Allow your creativity to saturate the scenes without overthinking. 
• Selkie: Stemming from Irish and Scottish folklore. In essence most women or those identifying with the feminine do not want to be possessed, unless they fully agree with the Dom/Sub roles. Many women seek partners who honor her wildness, anatomy, sexuality, creativity friendships and her essential self. When honored, a woman will feel supported while leaning into deeper sexual exchanges when not sensing that her partner is attempting to cage her in, unless clearly agreed upon. Regarding both genders, an identified male Selkie has the ability to seek out lonely or unhappy women in relationships, and assist in restoring their wildness and soul's freedom to continually expand into their natural state of being as a divine feminine being. An attuned Dom or therapist can assist a woman trapped by a man, and free her to return to the sea (her naturally ordered life path. She in the process can learn how to receive male intimate energies from men who understand their role is to unfold and properly penetrate the feminine. When in Selkie tradition, this exchange occurs according to natural law, the female provides a nectar to the masculine, which is the most complete and nourishing energy the divine masculine can receive. These concepts are what many of us nondual sex therapists instill within our work to achieve continual balance within relationships. This exploration for both the feminine and masculine neutralize deeply rooted social and patriarchal conditioning, while providing individuals with a pathway to ecstatic intimacy that defies limited thought forms and internal struggles with guilt, suppressed desires and ego-based hidden agendas of power and control 
• Interdependence with conscious autonomy: All partners maintain their clear boundaries and identities. They share control in a safe manner during play. Within these boundaries, each person knows where they end and their partner(s) begin. 
• Autonomous Desire: You want the scene because it brings you joy. You do not do it just to keep your partner from leaving or getting upset.
• Informed Consent: You say yes or no freely. You do not feel forced by guilt or a need to fix your partner.
• There are many more examples and possibilities. For more information or interest in exploring your enhanced sexual and sensual relationship, please contact me at [email protected], or text 970-626-3333.

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Pleasure Domination/Submission is a category within the Soft Kink and BDSM Sexual Play genres.

Creative, clear discussion going in...

The Dom and Sub create together through check-ins, the deeper desires of the sub, The scenes in their imaginations are co-created that might have felt taboo or embarrassing to share. This can include expansive fantasies, role-playing, and utilizing the creative sexual arena as a way to dissolve fears and traumas, when held in a clearly defined container.

The Submissive...

This partner leans and feels submissive, making choices toward a willingness toward what their Dom provides. They together set the stage and let the scene unfold with clear minds, a warm up pace and let the bodies shift into an ecstatic phase of pleasure and somatic connection. 
Rituals can get us there such as letting the dom tell the sub what to wear, how to greet them at the door etc-so that this pre-scene ritual allows our imaginations to move into a free-flowing shared state.

Subs who drop in best are ones who don't try too hard. They trust the Dom completely as the cravings for deeper sexual freedom and arousal experiences expand into pleasure zones defying logic.

Subs hold more power than many realize. They have the full right to choose what adventures, toys, restrictions etc are brought into the container.  

A runner's high, the anticipation of sexual pleasure with the Dom fully in charge, and the sub receiving the pleasure rewards. The dom has a high degree of attunement to the sub's body language, sensing the movement for example in the sub's stomach area, moisture gathering in areas of their body, the sub's sounds, cravings, somatic deepening invitations, arousal patterns moving beyond the typical vanilla sexual discourses. 

The Dom...

They slow everything down, guide the sub to drop in with breath work, stroking the sub's body, listening and watching for the sub's reaching for more arousal, cravings for rivers within that lead to deeper sexual pleasure, ecstasy and orgasmic experiences. 

Both Doms and Subs can attend new trainings, discuss what they are learning, want to try. The Dom's role staying connected to their role is essential, not caving when they fear their power. This is when a true Dom integrates their role, and moves within that role not from overthinking, but rather from a spiritual or creatively sensual living-breathing place! 
​The Sub is craving the Dom's gifts, their mouth on a breast, whispers in the Sub's ear, a stroke along the inner thigh, spankings, a vibrator run up through arousal areas, anticipation of penetration if desired, all agreed upon beforehand. 

The Phases within Pleasure Dom/Sub...

Ritual phase: Above sets the tone, breathing, joining together.
Phase two:: Awareness narrows, no complete sentences, the sub's body softens while the dom's voice carries more weight. 
Phase three: Some refer to this being the lock-in phase: A flow state appears, the Dom's voice becomes even more dominant. Their consistency in the dom role is vital to maintain to deepen in the phase. This phase can have eye contact, or the Sub can be blindfolded, restrained, and selected toys the sub has agreed to can be ready and introduced. No distractions! This sensory deprivation heightens other senses, a feather on the Subs skin, the scent of sex, or the Dom whispers what's about the come so that the Sub craves and anticipates what they have spun up in their imagination, while the Dom gets to enjoy the Sub's body and sexual landscape. 
Phase four: Time distorts, euphoric hormones are flowing. A deep bonding with the dom, similar to a meditative, flow state. The Sub's sensations no longer feel pain as pain, rather euphoria and sexual arousal increases with the Dom's attuned presence. The Sub is floating within the Dom's voice. 
Please be aware: Trust has been established outside the bedroom during check-ins or initial discussions that build trust and excellent aftercare. 
Stage five: The deepest surrender phase. Both the Dom and Sub(s) need to know their abilities. No fear, complete vulnerability. Please know that both the Dom and Sub need healthy personal awareness. One might think the Sub is giving their ego strength or personal sense of self over to the Dom. NO! The Sub and dom require healthy indivuation (some might refer this to emotional intelligence, sense of self in the world). YES within this dom/sub container, the sub gives the dom their vulnerability. The Dom must know their abilities to hold this space correctly, while also enjoying the pleasures and arousal gained from their participation. Both are increasingly aroused and have mutually agreed to this form of pleasure. These roles can also be reversed if desired and discussed during on-going check ins and planning for future scenes that they create together.. 
​The Sub Drop; Endorphins drop, pain sensations start their return, perhaps crying from such ecstasy and release. This is normal, and having food and water available after the scene is important and a great touch for the Sub especially. 

During the week Examples: Spicy texts, photo exchanges, The Dom instructs the Sub on what to wear for the next session or scene. Telling the Sub things she has chosen to hear, like, you're such a naughty girl, such a brat, an invitation to touch themselves when they are out and about and in a nearby restroom etc. The Sub can serve and turn an everyday act into an act of service to the Dom as a way of saying, I can't wait to explore another scene or mischievous act. Some like punishment games that the Sub and Dom agree upon. Maybe the Sub brat wants to be spanked or punished that both agree upon within check-ins. The more color and saturated fantasies the better. This feeds the ongoing check-ins and builds a deeper trusting relationship by pushing the boundaries or limited thinking of what's possible. Curiosity is KEY! Within the pleasure Dom/ Sub arena, the focus is more on sensation arousal and less on highly punishing acts. For example, blindfolds, restraints, light spanking, dripping oils, longer-slower foreplay massage and withholding cravings to heighten arousal, allows the Sub to feel their cravings amplified beyond imagination. 

More information and guidance on Pleasure Dom/Sub at: https://domsubliving.com/
 

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